Weigh In Eve

Happy Friday Eve!! 

Also known as Thursday. Also known as Weigh In Eve. 

I have been trying not to weigh myself every day because I was starting to obsess a little. I think I may start again because this morning I saw a number that terrified me. I swore I was out of the 260's for good and the scale showed me a glimpse of that at 260 point something - I was too freaked out to remember what the decimal was.. UGH!!

Now I have been on plan for almost four days now. So I know this will pass (hopefully by tomorrow's weigh in!!) 

These are the things that tend to send me into a tail spin of depression, but I'm not allowing that this time. I'm making it motivate me. I'm turning my stress into determination. 

We'll see how that all goes! 

This week, thankfully, is still going by quickly. I can't wait to snuggle up with my Kindle tomorrow night and read myself to sleep; AND to not have to wake up to an alarm on Saturday. The funny thing about that is I usually end up waking up around the same time I do for work, but there is something special about waking up naturally. 

I have been thinking about Doug a lot this week. It's strange how after a funeral service people stop talking about someone so quickly. For me, this is when I usually think about the person often. The initial shock and pain have dulled, and I can think about them without crying. Doug's brother posted some really interesting words on Facebook the other night - I refer to them as interesting only because I get a different feel from the post every time I read it. It was essentially a thank you to the people who came to the service, a note about what a great job the pastor did, and a mention that he is sure he'll be able to one day think about his brother and smile, laugh.. but today is not that day. 

For some reason it was almost comforting to know that people - in this case family, but still - are still hurting. I know that sounds sick. But I honestly don't mean it that way. I am just so used to being the "rock" for my family, and not having a chance to do my grieving until I've been the crying shoulder for them, that I always end up feeling like I'm alone in my grief. 

But I'm not alone at all. So many people are still sad. Still mad. Still sorting their feelings out. 

Sorry to put a damper on my Friday Eve post! 

I have to leave you with this: 


Mr. Fox and I grabbed grinders for a quick dinner and I thought the way the woman at the deli labeled them was just adorable! 

I'll be back tomorrow for Weigh In Day!! Fingers crossed that 260+ is gone forever!!!! 

Day Three.

Happy Wednesday!! I couldn't be happier with how quickly this week is going. I needed this week to be quick. So yay for that!!

Nothing exciting so far, which after last week is welcomed.

I gave blood today. Also not super exciting, but I love feeling like I'm doing my part. And it's the only time I get to have my favorite pretzels. It's become a running joke now that I send Mike a picture of me smiling with one of my pretzels every time I'm finished.

Could I BE any more stereotypical fat girl?! Ha!

Today is day three of switching back to Weight Watchers PointsPlus as opposed to calorie counting. I have NO idea why this works so much better for me. Maybe the smaller numbers? Maybe the fact that it feels a little like a game? Who knows. All that matters is it works.

I have been insanely hungry lately - like I literally cannot fill myself up. The PointsPlus system does make it a little easier in that aspect because of "free" foods. Most fruits and veggies being ZERO Points is super helpful for filling up when I'm feeling ravenous.

Another thing that I think is going to make this plan easier for someone like me during this time of year, is recipes from this website! Adorably named "Emily Bites," the blogger, Emily, makes comfort food Weight Watchers friendly! The hardest season of weight loss for me BY FAR is winter - late fall and early spring are so similar they fall in at a close second. It's dark. I get sleepy. I get lazy. And I get HUNGRY!

My typical cycle when I'm not trying to lose weight is to gain about 10-15 lbs in this time period. It naturally comes off in the late spring/summer/early fall when I'm more active and not so tired and bottomless-pit-like, but I am SO done with that yearly yo-yo mess. I am sticking to my guns this time around and hoping that these deliciously lightened up recipes will help.

I have made a handful of these recipes recently and they are to die for! her "Bubble Up" casseroles are phenomenal and EASY, the hardest part is sharing with my husband. We've tried the chicken pot pie and enchilada versions, though Mr. Fox is most looking forward to trying the pizza one! Another favorite is her Cheesy Chicken, Broccoli and Rice casserole. And the cream of the crop so far: Pumpkin Alfredo Tortellini Skillet. O. M. G!! I swapped the pumpkin for butternut squash, and the spinach for baby kale. Hubby said it's one of the best things he's ever eaten. SO yum.

Anyway ~ enough about food for now. I'll for sure be updating on how I do with my weekly weigh ins and unstoppable hunger!

Monday, monday..

HOW is it Monday already?! I really needed just ONE more weekend day to collect myself. Luckily today is an easy work day.

The past 6 days have been an absolute blur. I have so much to empty out of my head, so I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy!

Tuesday Mr. Fox and I went to a first time home buyers class to find out the first steps of looking for a home. That was supposed to be our only busy day. The class was excellent and I would HIGHLY recommend if anyone is looking to get more information, find a free class. We learned SO much about what we need to do in the next 6 months or so.

When we got home from the class we relaxed for a bit, then we heard the news about Doug. I subsequently had to call and notify my family. Doug was just as much a part of our family as he was a friend, so that was rough. This whole week was overturned with that news. I haven't really had a much of a chance to relax since then.

I had been planning a surprise party for my best friend for her 30th birthday. I had it all worked out. Wednesday I would make cupcakes, Thursday I would frost the cupcakes, and go to Party City and get decorations, Friday afternoon I would order the food to be ready for the guests, then I would have plenty of time to decorate the room for the party. Then we would have the perfect party and be able to sleep in on Saturday! Big dreams. No such luck in them going that easily!!

I spent most of Wednesday crying, and my family spent most of Wednesday consoling each other. Losing Doug hit so close to home. I still managed to get to the store for all the cupcake ingredients, but I was just not up to actually making them.

I also had to touch base with the party guests to make sure there would still be a good turn out. I had NO idea how stressful planning a surprise party is!! What if nobody comes was my worst fear all week. I came SO close to pulling the plug on it. But I'm SO glad I didn't! More on that later..

Thursday my dad needed me. Doug had become a second son to him. He and my brother are both struggling, recovering addicts who always wanted to see each other succeed, and this is the closest thing to losing my brother. My dad essentially lost a son. So I spent quite some time with him, which was nice as always, but I still had so much to do. I got home around 6:30 pm and got to making the cupcakes. I LOVE baking but my heart and mind were somewhere else. Luckily they still came out amazing!! Hubby and I ended up eating dinner super late and having yet another very late to bed night.

Totally 80's!! 

Friday was here before I got a chance to realize it wasn't Tuesday anymore. I managed to squeak out of work an hour early (thank God because I would NOT have been able to pull everything off otherwise) and start on my errands. I met a friend of Emily's (my bff I was throwing the party for) who couldn't make it to the party to pick up a gift, went immediately to party city to get a million dollars worth of 80's themed decorations and costume gear, had to go home and make frosting, frosted the cupcakes, showered, got 80's dolled up, made it to the restaurant, realized OMG we hadn't ordered food yet!! Got that done.. STILL have not taken a second to really relax at this point..

Note: re: the 80's thing: Emily let spill one day that in her "wildest dreams" she would "obviously love to have a huge 80's party" so I RAN with that!! I ran so far awa-a-ay.. ha.. see what I did there? Ok anyway..

My beautiful best friend, Emily!! 

I started stressing people were still not coming but then people started to show up. Big sigh of relief. Even my mom and brother came with all they had going on. Mr. Fox and my sister in law (who also got decked out in 80's gear) got an awesome 80's playlist ready to go. When Emily got there she was SO surprised!! I was so proud!! The party was amazing and she was so grateful. We really got her! It's *really* hard to pull something like that off with her!! She is the person who people tell everything! I almost spoiled it myself a couple times!! I was SO glad I didn't pull the plug.

Even though that was a LATE night I was OK with it. I got home and showered because I knew I had to be up early. When I got out of the shower I noticed my dog was hiding behind the rocking chair, which she NEVER does. I realized she didn't make a big deal of me coming home but I thought she was just mad that we had been so busy, and not around enough through the week. Then I noticed her front paws were wet and odd colored, like brownish pink. I immediately looked for vomit or something and found nothing. Anywhere. I noticed she was acting weird and not vocal like she usually is and immediately called my husband. He came right home and we rushed her to the emergency vet. I was a MESS!!

When we walked in they said they needed to get her in the back before we even filled out paperwork because it looked like her jaw might be broken - WHAT?! Thank GOD that was not it. She had the screw-on ring to one of my frosting piping bag lodged so far up in the back of her mouth that she couldn't close it, and that brownish pink stuff was blood and drool from her trying to dislodge it. Needless to say I felt like the worst doggie mama EVER!! I made sure to pick up all the frosting stuff I could find but she must have gotten it before I did the sweep, so who knows how long she was scared and in pain for. They had to sedate her to take it out because it was so far back and she was scared and biting (even my husband!). She is completely fine now, thank goodness, but that whole adventure left us going to bed around 5 am.

This is Doug, and the face I will always remember when I think of him. 

We got about 4 hours of broken sleep before we had to get up for Doug's funeral. It was a beautiful service that captured him flawlessly. My mom and brother read an amazingly beautiful reading that they wrote. It was one of the hardest days for us all. I cannot even begin to imagine what his family is going through. Saying goodbye was tough. But the pastor did an amazing job reminding us how we will know when he is with us. And we will. Doug was such a unique man there is no doubt in my mind I will know when he is near.

Mr. Fox and I opted out of the luncheon after in favor of a nap before heading out to yet another evening with friends. We, again, almost cancelled but were happy we didn't. We hadn't seen these friends in weeks - since before they asked Mike to be not only in their wedding but to perform the service! He became ordained over the summer to marry other friends and since had become everyone's go-to for that, which is such a special way to be a part of the ceremony!! It was a super fun relaxing night. We had a couple drinks, had Taco Bell, and watched a cheesy B horror flick - Fright Night. It was ANOTHER late night but worth it.

Sunday was family dinner day. We picked up Chloe, who stayed the night at my mom's so she wouldn't feel rejected with us being out and leaving her Saturday night. The day was filled with comfort food. Much needed for the soul - not so much for the scale haha.

Today I am super back on track but SO exhausted from the past 6 days. I see an early bedtime tonight!!

Phew!! I had SO much to get out!! I could seriously go on and on for hours but I will leave it at that and post more this week.

Happy Monday!! Sending all my positive energy out in the world to all who need it.

Doug.

The world lost a quietly amazing person on Tuesday. 

Please note: This is not a typical post for this blog. It is, however, heartfelt and in need of being shared. 

I can barely begin to put into words how I feel about this, but I'm going to try. 

My friend, Doug. My dad's "worker son," Doug. My brothers best friend, Doug. My family's other worry, Doug. One of my dog's favorite people, Doug. Always hungry, Doug. Kind hearted, Doug. Quietly grateful, Doug. 

Addict, Doug. 

He may as well have been part of the family. To some he came off crude or sarcastic, but those of us who were close to him know that was a front. He certainly had an opinion about everything, but he wasn't always wrong. A modern "telephone tough guy," he was quick to reply to someone's Facebook status with a snarky comment, but in real, face-to-face life, he was always kind. He had an enormously good heart that showed through even his darkest days. He would drop everything and work through the night to help a friend in need, or even a friend who just wanted his help. He was incredibly grateful for every act of kindness shown to him. He had a warm smile that just made you feel good to be the one to bring it out, no matter the reason. 

My heart sank when I heard Doug was no longer with us. It's cliche but it's still so surreal knowing we'll never see him again. Never help him again. Never make him smile again. Never see another snarky Facebook comment again. 

I know one should never assume, but I do, that most people knew Doug had a devil living inside of him. A devil that had a hold on, and claimed, his life and the lives of too many. A devil that has caused my attendance at more funerals for young people than anyone should have to attend. A devil I hate with every cell in my body, and pray every second of every day would finally let go of the lives of my brother and so many friends before it claims them too. 

If you have never loved a heroin addict I hope you never have to. It is the single most heartbreaking experience I have ever lived through, and unfortunately it isn't going to stop. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The devil that is heroin won't allow it to stop. Not until it has claimed the lives of every single addict it lives inside. But the devil has competition. Because I refuse to stop fighting for the lives of the addicts I love. 

Saturday we say goodbye, officially. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, people  commit random acts of kindness. I cannot think of a better way to carry on Doug's legacy in the true spirit of who he was. 

Disclaimer: due to the family waiting on toxicology and autopsy reports, I do not officially know it was heroin that claimed Doug's life. I do know the police are treating his home as a crime scene, and I hope to God they catch the disgusting person who gave him the drug he wanted so badly he felt he literally needed it. I will update this when I have heard the official results. 

Caloric Nightmare.

Happy Monday!! 

I really meant to get a post in over the weekend but Mr. Fox and I have been so busy lately!! We were SO excited when we both landed Monday thru Friday, first shift jobs and now our weekends are so jam packed we barely have a minute to breathe. 

We DID do absolutely nothing on Sunday because of this. And it was glorious. 

First off lets get my Friday WI out of the way: 
Down 0.4 lbs from last week, bringing me to 254.6 with a total loss of 35.9 since 02/06/2015. 

A loss is a loss and I'll take it! 

Then again, after this weekend, I don't have the highest hopes for this coming Friday.

Friday I came home to two amazing surprises: 

(1) Roses from my hubby ~ normally I am NOT a rose kind of girl but these were stunning, really. Foxy said his sister approved which is perfect. We have practically identical taste in everything. Except food. She doesn't to seafood. Shame. Oh well, more for me! 

*and*

(2) A *sparkling* CLEAN apartment! I would be OK with never ever getting flowers ever again if I got to come home to cleanliness on a daily basis. 

It was so awesome.

We unfortunately didn't get to bask in it for too long as we had dinner plans with friends. I was all set for a super on track weekend. Sushi takeout is what we all settled on which is ALWAYS fine by me! I even had my drinks accounted for. Then my now arch nemesis amazingly awesome BFF Jen brought out dessert. As if I couldn't love her any more. I had one tiny two regular sized pieces. It was super fun to catch up regardless of calories, and I slept like a baby that night! 

Saturday we had plans with my neighbor/Wifey and her boyfriend who just moved up from SC. We settled on doing something "fall" like and what better than a fair/food truck festival?! OMG WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Anyway ~ considering it was a freaking FOOD TRUCK FESTIVAL I did pretty darn well. Our plan of attach was to split things so we could have a little bit of everything we wanted.  

The damage: Bacon Cheeseburger Chompers, Giant Fried Potato Ball filled with Bacon and Cheese, Mac Attack (homemade mac and cheese topped with BBQ sauce and brisket), churros with Nutella, Mexican Hot Chocolate, and a mediocre cupcake. 

It FELT like a whole lot more than that. 

Trying to estimate the calories for that was not exactly a fun evening activity hahaha!! 

Sunday we were lazy. I lounged around in my jammies and read and snuggled with the fur babies while Mr. Fox played some classic Mario on the WII. 

I think all the food caught up with me because I slept terribly last night. Lots of strange, vivid dreams, and so very restless! Hubby seemed to as well. It's our own fault. We ate too much. UGH. 

Overall I call it a successful weekend because I logged EVERYTHING. 

This week I'm planning to commit to at least a couple 20 minute sessions on my mini twist stepper to offset some of the caloric nightmare that was my weekend. 

Putting all my good week vibes out into the world!! 

Why I am Almost Mrs. Fox

My absolute favorite movie is Fantastic Mr. Fox. Sure I have classic favorites like Labyrinth, The Boy Who Could Fly, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, etc, but there is something amazing about Fantastic Mr. Fox. The look, the way it was filmed, the voice acting, the stop motion, the colors, the story.. I could talk about it all day.

 I also happen to absolutely LOVE foxes. I think they are the sweetest, most lovable, and breathtakingly beautiful animals.

So naturally, when my husband and I met it was just so fitting for Mr. and Mrs. Fox (aka Foxy) to become our pet names for each other. It also worked because I'm not the biggest fan of modern pet names. Baby and honey i will use on occasion, others make me literally cringe. I'm sorry but I cannot be held responsible for the look on my face when someone says "bae."

*shudder*

My husband and I were both in probably the best shape of our adult lives when we met. He was in a band (swoon!) and had just come off a couple rounds of P90X, and I was a strong, independent, single lady who was about 25 lbs lighter than I am right now because I was taking great care of myself. Fox themed pet names only added to how good we felt about ourselves, both individually and as a couple. I mean come on, who wouldn't love to be referred to as Foxy?!

Fast forward and we were both in probably the WORST shape of our lives we we got married! We were so happy and in love and did the totally cliche thing and got lazy too comfortable. Slightly over a pound a month doesn't seem like a whole lot.. until it's four years later and has now become 60 pounds!!  Oops..

Through thick and thin, not necessarily in that order :D 

Needless to say I was feeling anything but foxy.

Contrary to what today's typical bride-to-be would do, I decided NOT to focus on getting fit for the wedding. I had so many other things to focus on, and even though I was not experiencing nearly as stress as many brides do, it wasn't non-existent. So I focused the wedding day being the happiest day of my life to that point, as opposed to the fact that I would be the heaviest I'd ever been in my entire life.

Because so many friends and family know about our foxy pet names, we got many fox themed gifts and cards, and with the over excitement and stress of the wedding fizzling I decided it was time to get myself in shape - I would say BACK in shape, but even though I have been in BETTER shape, I have never been in GOOD shape. I started to think about our lives together in the long run, whether it be with or without children, and I realized if I kept going down this path we would not have a long and happy life together. With that, I joined Weight Watchers (which had worked for me in the past,) and started plucking away and my health. Then we got our wedding photos back. While I absolutely felt and looked BEAUTIFUL and happy and like an absolute princess, there was no denying I. Had. To. Do. Something. NOW.

I decided then, that I would be ALMOST Mrs. Fox.

Now six months in I find myself struggling a little, which is typical for me, but I refuse to give up. I became deeply inspired by Katie's story when I stumbled across the Runs for Cookies blog. Sometimes I felt like I was reading about myself. And I realized I can do this. I just have to not give up.

Now I know this is getting super lengthy so I will stop now. Be back for more blog fun soon!

No more quitting.

Friday WI and New Favorite Snack!

Friday, October 09, 2015

Good Morning! Happy Friday!!

So my WI this morning went about as expected ~ up 1.5 bringing me to 255. That puts my total loss at 35. I may have had a smaller gain or even maintained if it weren't for my lack of self control and subsequent binge yesterday. Oof!!

But today I pick up the pieces!

The USB with our wedding photos finally came in a few weeks ago and I decided to look through them last night. I had been feeling down about my yo-yo weight for the past 6 weeks or so. I must say I did feel a little better after that.

We got married in January and I was right around my all time heaviest weight. I decided at the time that I was not going to focus so much on being the heaviest I'd ever been, but that I was the *happiest* I'd ever been. The night was incredible! I felt beautiful ~ like a princess!! Everything was so amazing. I knew how big I was but I didn't dwell on it. I enjoyed married life for about a few weeks before I re-joined WW and started this journey. Looking back at those photos I can't believe what a difference there is since then!! It definitely gave me the little push I needed. When I get a good "after" photo I'll post it together with one of the wedding photos.

Anyway ~ that is my driving force. Now on to my new favorite snack!

I had seen these at my local grocery store and been wanting to try them. We live in a pretty small town, the grocery store closest to us is very small and owned by a high school friend of my father's, who is always there. Because of this they carry a ton of great local foods, and quirky things you may not see in a large chain store.

While shopping the other day I was ravenously hungry. In the checkout lane I decided to grab this little treat and *GASP* eat it before tracking OR knowing the PP value!! Needless to say I was nervous, as this generally doesn't work out in my favor. After calculating I was PLEASANTLY surprised to find it was only 2 PP!! What?!

Wilde Maple Bacon Blueberry Turkey Bar. YUM!! It's kind of like a jerky, but not as tough. Great flavor. Fun ingredients like quinoa and chia seeds. Loaded with protein and yummy flavor. All for 2 PP!! Woo hoo!!

If you happen to come across these do yourself a favor and pick one up. They have other flavors that I can't wait to try!

That is all I have for now. Back to work! Enjoy the weekend!!

Trying Something New

Healthy. This is why we're all here, right? To become healthy.

So if we're here to BECOME healthy, chances are we weren't (or aren't) healthy to begin with, or at the very least less healthy.

I don't know why this took so long to click!

I wasn't eating well. I wasn't treating my body well. I wasn't moving. Yet for some reason I thought I would be able to jump right into eating right and exercising.

This is no doubt my down fall every. Single. Time.

I've been INCREDIBLY close to quitting again in the past few weeks. The same cycle is so close to repeating itself:

1) Realize how terrible I look and feel.

2) Sign up for WW (because it ALWAYS works!)

3) Start! Be really excited about my new journey!!

4) Kick some major booty staying super OP.

5) Lose "X" lbs (in this case 40.)

6) Gain for two weeks in a row for the first time.

7) Hate myself and eat. And eat. And eat. Then eat some more.

8) Yo-yo weight for a few weeks while I tell myself I'm a failure once again.

9) Quit.

10) Gain all (or more) of my weight back.

Then start all over again.

I'm done with that. I'm starting over NOW before I get to steps 9 and 10.

I made a list of foods I LOVE. I noticed that a lot of the things I tend to eat when I'm OP are not on the list, and some things that I never eat are on the list. So part of my starting over is that I'm only going to eat foods that I LOVE. If I don't absolutely love it, it's not going in my mouth.

I'm also going to focus on listening to my body tell me I'm full. Let me tell you, I have tried intuitive eating. This is NOT what I'm talking about. I have much too little self control around certain foods (binge triggers) to eat intuitively, it's simply stopping when comfortably full, instead of stuffed beyond belief!

I am going to do this for a week or two, and then try adding exercise back in. I will NOT go balls to the wall like I've tried to do so many times in the past. I will start with 10-20 minutes three times a week. I can commit to that. I will quit if I try to push it.

I will also keep up this blog. I honestly don't even care so much if it gets read or not. Just something about putting it out there where anyone can see it helps to keep me accountable. I feel like it will keep me from quitting. I need it to keep me from quitting.

So there is my big bad Thursday post! I'm back. And I CAN do this.

FYI: the photo is from a beach trip this year. Isn't it so serene?

Motivation Problems.

I am having a reeeeally hard time keeping my motivation right now. Entering the time of year where we have a ton of get togethers and parties. And food. Good food. And lots of it.

I feel deflated.

This time it's so important for me to keep up. Get back on the wagon. NOT get down about my slip ups and quit like I have SO many times in the past. On a somewhat positive note, I have not quit up to this point. I got down to an even 40 lbs lost on August 28th. Since then I have gained and lost and gained and lost.

This week worries me. for the first time since I started again in February, I didn't log my weight on my WI day. I was so discouraged. I KNOW why I'm not doing as well.

I simply haven't been 100% OP.

There has been so much temptation. And between me and this blog (and whoever happens upon it) my husband has not been very supportive lately. He started a new job about a month ago and he's falling into his new schedule. I get it. But he has been acting like a teenage boy ~ leaving dirty clothes and dishes everywhere, playing video games, eating junk food, not weighing and measuring things when he cooks.. UGH!

I know it's just one of the many things married couple go through. And I know I don't NEED anyone but myself to keep me accountable. But it helps when he is behind me.

Anyway, enough whining. I have been more OP the past couple days. We'll see where this Friday's WI leaves me and I'll pick up my pieces and go from there.

Wish me luck!