Thursday, December 3, 2015

To Thanksgiving and Beyond!

Good morning, friends! 

Chloe gave the pie her stamp of approval! 
I have been super busy lately so not much of a chance to get on here. I've been doing well and feeling pretty in control, the scale has been giving me some trouble but I'm trying not to focus on that so much as how I feel. 

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Mine was SUPER relaxing which is always awesome! My mom, Mr. Fox, and I went to my dad and brother's for the day - my parents are divorced but still friends. Long story. Mom and I did the cooking which was nice because I had a lot of control over what the PointsPlus values of the meal, and all the control over what went into the foods I made. I definitely did eat more than I planned on, and I stopped tracking after some stuffed mushrooms and a taste of stuffing, but I was more in control than in past years, and it felt really good! 


My favorite food was probably a tie between mom's stuffing and the cranberry sauce I made. And my favorite dessert was my butternut squash pie. This was the first time I attempted it, and it was even better than pumpkin! Super smooth and delicious! And I was able to use about half the sugar because roasted butternut is so naturally sweet!! SO yum!! 

We spent the evening relaxing by the beautiful fire! 

The rest of the long weekend was fairly uneventful, but also relaxing. Lots of snuggling and reading. I did decide to kick my commitment for intentional exercise into high gear and hopped on my stepper for 30 minutes on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I skipped Monday because I had to go grocery shopping and it just got too late, but I did it again Tuesday and last night!  I'm feeling pretty good about it. 

Sunday we spent some time with my in-laws with football and good food. I love hanging out with the kids. They snuck my phone and were playing with the doodle app. I have to share their masterpiece haha! 

Conference call!
This week has been alright so far. Busy nights and dreadfully boring days due to not enough work. This weekend is fairly busy though! Dinner with mom tonight, probably dinner with dad tomorrow, Ugly Sweater 5K on Saturday morning, Mr. Fox has a show on Saturday night. Hopefully getting our tree on Sunday!! 

Post workout selfie!
My scale woes are tough. My Friday WI showed me at 255 which was right where I wanted to get to. I hopped on Wednesday night and Thursday morning and it showed a 4.5 lb gain. Which undoes weeks of work. Last night I was really excited because my body fat percentage had gone down 3% according to my scale. I did it again and again and was feeling really good - like the exercise is paying off. This morning - back up 3%. WTF. Literally WTactualF. 

Now it could be many things. I succumbed to a binge on Sunday night. I didn't even begin to track because I couldn't even think of all the things I ate. It's also TOM for me. And I have been exercising which can show a gain. 

Regardless it's still discouraging. 

I'm not going to let it stop me though. I will continue to work the plan and pray that is works for me. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Thanksgiving Eve Eve.

Happy Tuesday, all. 

I feel like I should have stayed in bed today! 

On a positive note, all my Thanksgiving shopping is done so no more grocery store trips for me! 

Yesterday I was so in control of my eating up until I got home. Mr. Fox brought home some venison steaks from his parents so I planned to cook those with some brussels sprouts and risotto. I don't know what I was thinking, really. Grocery shopping put me behind so I didn't even get home until about 6pm. Then I had to put everything away in groups so when I cook tonight and tomorrow there is some sort of organized chaos. 

Then my mom called. She is having a literal nervous breakdown right now and I don't know what to do to help her. She's been bullied and harassed at work and cannot go to HR because they aren't helping her. This has happened to the point where she is out of work, in constant contact with doctors, periodically needs people to be with her, and last night she actually went to the hospital for a little bit. 

So between trying to de-clutter, consoling my mother, trying to help my hubby with his insurance paperwork.. I had a little bit of a "thing" - this is what we refer to mini breakdowns as in our family. I decided I not only didn't want to get started with cooking for Thursday, but I didn't want to make dinner, and I was so stressed I was just not even hungry. And of course hubby did not know what to do, as per usual. I literally told him what to do. In his favor he listened. 

We ended up getting pizza and salad. Which actually wouldn't have been so bad except on his way out the door my binge goblin told him to ask if they had cheesecake. The did. Of course they did. I ate half the pizza, a bowl of salad and a giant piece of cheesecake. This all put me even MORE into the red (with my PointsPlus) than I already was. 

Needless to say I went to bed feeling fat and sad. 

This morning I felt a little better. I got a decent night of sleep so I'm sure that helped. I hopped on the scale to see how badly I was killing myself. Up about a pound from Friday - actually not terrible. But also not good. I put a smile on my face (along with my work clothes and a coat) and headed in to work. 

Of ALL the mornings I drive the SAME route to work, this morning I got pulled over - by the most argumentative cop ever! I have nothing but respect for our military and law enforcement but this guy was just trying to pick a fight. The conversation went something like this: 

“Did you see those flashing lights back there?”
“The one’s for the school zone?”
“Yup”
“I did, I was in the process of slowing down for them.”
“No, you weren’t.”
“I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful, I just meant my foot was on the brake pedal.”
“Well you’re calling me a liar.”
“I would absolutely never do that, my father is in law enforcement. I’m doing nothing but trying to cooperate with you.”
“You’re about to talk yourself into a ticket.”
“Sounds like SOMEONE isn’t getting enough lovin’ at home!!”

OK I didn’t say that last one. But I thought it. 

I got away with a written warning - but only because I "didn't have any recent tickets." 

Then I got to work and the parking lot was full of insane people. I found a spot and went to pull in and the woman in one of the adjacent spots threw open her door. OK no problem. This happened in two more spots. I found one that had nobody in either adjacent spot - just a woman getting things out of her hatch back. I went to pull into the spot and I kid you not she literally walked from behind her vehicle to IN the spot I was pulling in to. 

It took a lot for me to not just turn around and go home. 

My day has since gotten better. I'm hopeful that it will stay on the even ground it seems to be on now. I plan to make the dinner I had planned for yesterday, and to start some cooking for Thanksgiving. I'll be sure to update how that goes. 

For now: breathe in, breathe out, repeat.  

Monday, November 23, 2015

Monday, Monday.

Oreo Lava Cake at Chili's
How was everyone's weekend? Mine was full, fun, and relaxing.

Friday night I went out to dinner with a friend. Chili's was probably not the best choice considering I'm trying to stay on track. I had planned out what I was going to eat, but that went almost completely out the window. UGH!! Why do I do this to myself?!

Chili's has a new deal. Their 2 for $20 is still available (and would have been a MUCH better choice) where you get two entrees and an app, but now they have a 2 for $35 where you get two entrees, an app, a dessert, AND two presidente margaritas!! Did I need half a dessert OR a margarita?! Like a freaking hole in the head. So of course we went with that.

In hind sight the dessert was mediocre and I could have done without the drink. And the app to be honest but I like munching on their chips.

Ashton is the actual cat's pajamas!! 
After Chili's we went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I could seriously spend ALL day in that store. I bought a new Wood Wick candle, and some pajamas and socks to torture dress up my cat. He is hilarious when he has animal clothing on. If you've ever seen It's Always Sunny's Kitten Mittens episode - that's exactly how he was walking. It was amazing! I was hoping I would be able to use them for my dog when the fun was over, but she's a little too chunky for the pajamas! She may need to join mommy's diet efforts.

Saturday we went to get my car checked out - of course when I got it to the shop the noise it had been making wasn't happening. Story of my life!! It worked out because I had an appointment to get new tires. My mom had worked out an amazing deal for me but when I got there the size was wrong. I definitely didn't get QUITE the deal I was hoping for but I have four safe, brand new tires that will get me where I need to go without the stress of a blow out.

Saturday night was movie and Boboli date night in for me and Mr. Fox. We watched Mad Max which was AMAZING!! I had been putting it off because I am a huge fan of the original Mad Max movies. I was completely impressed and would HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who is an action fan, comic fan, Mad max fan, or just don't know what to watch!

My Boboli was my FAVORITE combo of caramelized onions with fig balsamic vinegar, brie, blue cheese, and asparagus. Sometimes I add bacon.

So far my plan to stay on plan was a success. I ate more than anticipated on Friday night but whatever. Saturday went about as planned. Then came Sunday.

I was really doing well. I had a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast. I made tex mex stuffed shells at my moms - which were not so great for me but not terrible. Better than if I had let her make them. But I convinced her that because I had been doing well, everything needed to be measured. Then she decided she wanted brownies. SUPER binge trigger food for me. She knows this. I know this. But she is having a literal nervous breakdown right now so I succumbed to her brownie needs.

Binge aftermath. 
I tried. I really tried. But I just couldn't. stop. eating. them.

This triggered additional binge eating once I got home. RIP Nutella Mini Cups, Half Jar of Peanut Butter, and Saltines.

Disappointment and disgust was all I felt after that. BUT I tracked it, took a shower to get away from the food, then planned my next day so I would be on top of it.

I'd like to focus on clean eating for a while. I think it will be good to "detox" my body from processes food and sugar. Maybe reduce cravings. I got some free ebooks about Paleo eating and was considering trying that as well. My meals are always so focused on carbs. We'll see how that goes!

For today, I'm back on the horse, and not SO far in the hole that I can't break even (or even dig myself out a little!) by weigh in on Thursday morning. YES, I'm *totally* cheating and weighing in Thursday instead of Friday because of Thanksgiving.

So with that I wish a Happy Monday to whoever is reading this!!




Friday, November 20, 2015

Learning to Love Myself

Self Love.

This is something I know all too little about. I know how to fake it, and put on a show for everyone to see, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty - I don't believe my own act.

I have been in a little bit of a rut lately; getting down on myself for my efforts slowing, reversing, halting.. Last night things really came to a head. I had purchased a pair of boots from an online store based out of the UK. I was really excited because I have large calves- both genetically and from being overweight - and I've never been able to wear tall boots. The delivery came yesterday and I couldn't wait to try them on!

Well guess what? They didn't freaking fit. I was so upset that I tried and tried and when I was able to get them all zipped up, it just looked like I had tried to shove a water balloon inside a toilet paper tube. I was crushed. I let myself fall into a downward spiral of self hatred; telling myself how disgusting I am, how ugly my fat is, how I don't deserve to lose the weight, that I'm completely unworthy because I have treated myself so horribly for so many years.

Then I realized how terribly I really do treat myself. Not just physically by not eating right or exercising regularly, but mentally and emotionally. I was constantly putting myself down, to the point where I felt selfish if I had a positive thought about myself. I use these terms past tense because they need to be. Nobody should be treating themselves the way I was.

Someone on the Weight Watchers message boards started a thread about positive self image. It made me realize I'm far from the only person who struggles with it. I mean, I *knew* I wasn't the only person, but it's nice to actually see and hear other people's stories. I decided to commit to actively changing my views about myself, and taking care of my body. I will focus on things that I do love about myself, no matter how few those are right now.

In related news, my weigh in this morning went about as expected - up 1.2 lbs. BUT I'm OK with that, because I know what it was caused by. I ate too much on my long weekend and tried to make up for it by not eating well throughout the week. It could have been SO much worse too; I hopped on the scale after my binge weekend and the scale showed up 9 lbs!! OMG!! I know it was mostly water weight but holy moly NINE pounds?!

Glad THAT didn't stick.

This week, as a start, I plan to be more aware of how I treat myself, and to be grateful for the things I have and can do. I think it's a good week to start that.

Happy Friday, everyone!!


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Weekend Recap!

Woah! I totally had every intention of hopping on over the weekend but that obviously did not happen. I wish I could say I was doing something spectacularly exciting and was completely unable to even get to my computer - but no, I was simply being a lazy bones.

Lets recap!

Thursday actually was pretty exciting - I went to NYC for the first* time!!!!
*first time that wasn't a field trip to the  Statue of Liberty, that is.

My friend, Emily - who I threw the surprise 30th birthday party for - got tickets to The Tonight Show. Her cousin's wife is a makeup artist on the show so we were able to get VIP, which means no waiting in line and we're guaranteed tickets (they over book to make sure the seats are full.)

So the day was a little dreary but it was great to finally get to see the city. The subway system was a breeze compared to what I thought it would be - similar to the T in Boston just more trains to keep track of!! We went to ground zero to see the memorial which is beautiful! We walked down so we could see the Statue of Liberty across the bay. We got lunch at a great burger place for lunch, and other than that pretty much walked around the city until it was time to see the show!

I instantaneously decided that I do NOT like Times Square. I'm glad I went once, but I have absolutely zero intention of going again unless I have to. It's too big, too bright, too loud. There are too many smells. I swear every step there was a different one - pizza.. garbage.. toilet.. popcorn.. burnt hair?! Yeah, not a fan. That and there were entirely too many Minnie Mouses, the characters all kept taking their masks off (poor kids!), and I think Cookie Monster hit on me.

Rockefeller Center was neat to see. The building itself had THE WORST ventilation - I was seriously sweating in there. But the atmosphere was great and the lighting was beautiful. We got to see the Christmas Tree, however it was having the lights put on - which was actually really cool to see!

The show was SO much fun! The studio was MUCH cooler than the rest of the building - and much smaller!! We were told at the beginning they don't "fluff" the show at all - no laugh or clap tracks - so we were essentially to be as enthusiastic as possible. Jimmy was hilarious as always. The guests were Elizabeth Banks, Jon Glaser, and Tim McGraw.

After the show we got to go backstage to see Kimberly's makeup room. We walked by Tim McGraw and his band hanging out by their dressing room, saw Questlove in the hallway, and got to meet Mark Kelley - the bassist for the Roots. 

We went to the East Village after that for dinner at an awesome little Mexican place called Dahlias. I was a much bigger fan of that area than Times Square. I felt like I would be comfortable living there.

Almost 20 hours and over 60,000 steps later, the NYC trip was a success and I will definitely be going back!!

The rest of my weekend was pretty typical - dinner with friends on Friday night. Their son was wearing the most adorable shirt that said "Only Child Membership" with a big faux stamp that said "Expires July 2016" - the CUTEST way to tell us they are expecting!! Which was super exciting!! I love babies. I can't wait to get out of our crappy apartment so we can have babies. *swoon*

Saturday and Sunday we stayed home, slept A LOT, played Fallout 4, and ate hahaha! I ended up with a killer migraine on Sunday evening which was a little bit of a bummer, but overall the weekend was awesome. The perfect mix of busy and relaxing!

This week - oh I can't believe Tuesday is almost over already!

I hope everyone has an awesome week!!






Monday, November 9, 2015

My Saturday In Pictures.

Saturday I had the most incredible opportunity to go to an open studio for my favorite artist, Josh Simpson!! He is an unbelievably talented, world renowned glass artist, and I'm so lucky that he is local to New England. This was his first open studio in 22 years, and it gave his fans the chance to not only browse his pieces, but to purchase older or "imperfect pieces for reduced pricing, AND to watch him work!! How amazing it was to be able to watch my favorite artist actually creating the beautiful glass pieces I have admired for so many years!! 

I took well over 400 photos of the studio and him at work, but I'll just share a handful of my favorites for today. Once I get photos of the pieces I purchased I'll put them up as well. 


Multi solid colored glass vases were arranged in the most beautiful rainbow:  




His planets and other pieces were hidden everywhere! I love how they look in the plants: 




I had the opportunity to meet Josh for the second time - this is a blurry photo but I should have a more clear one on the way to me! My mom calls him the only man who can render me speechless!! 


Josh showing a piece of glass cane the team just got finished making: 


A planet hidden on a rack of blow tubes: 


Josh and his team at work: 


Josh heating glass in the glory hole - I am not even kidding, that is what they call it. I was pretty amused by that, and surprised more people weren't laughing! 


I think this is when they decided this would be a bowl: 


Me and my beautiful mama: 


The view from the hill - Josh's yard: 



I'll definitely have a longer post within the next couple days but I just couldn't wait to share these!! 

Happy Monday!! 

Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday WI and Happy Weekend!!

Happy FRIDAY!! I felt like this day would never come!! 

I'm feeling very motivated and thankful today - even though I was bumming big time yesterday. I hopped on the scale this morning for my weigh in and was pleasantly surprised to see a ONE POUND LOSS!! 

Oh how I was NOT expecting that!! I have never been so happy about a one pound loss, but it was exactly what I needed. 

Last night I worked a little late and barely got a chance to see Mr. Fox before he took off for band practice. Turns out practice was cancelled, but he got to spend some time with close friends anyway. They got dinner at Nardelli's - which I have NEVER been to but have ALWAYS wanted to try. This morning I was left with half of a GIANT grinder which I wanted SO so so badly, but my one pound loss gave me the will power to say thank you, but no thank you. 

So I grabbed some coffee, and a GIANT pumpkin muffin from the batch I made the night before, and headed out to work. 

There's maybe a tiny part of me that really wishes I had that sandwich right now, haha! 

I *will* have one of those grinders one day. 

In other interesting news: I SIGNED UP FOR A 5K!!!! Seriously WHO am I?!?! I have no plans to run, but doing a 5K was always something I said I would do when I got more fit. Just this summer I said it was my goal for next year. But I decided - why wait?? I have two good legs and I can definitely WALK three miles. I've done it a million times. 

And just like that I was signed up. 

Who knew how motivating ONE pound could be?! 

The 5K is the Ugly Sweater Run in Bushnell Park on December 5th - how fun, right?! Our team is the Reindeer Runners and we're all dressing up. We have all 8 reindeer, Santa, some elves.. Mr. Fox and I are going to be Yukon Cornelius and the Bumble!! I can't wait. I already have my Amazon order on the way for some props! 

This weekend is another packed one. Tonight I'm going to my mama's for a sleepover, and we're going to Shelburne Falls, MA to see my FAVORITE artist and I am SO EXCITED!! Josh Simpson is a phenomenal glass artist. Seriously, do yourself a favor and check out his work. This is only the second open studio he has had in 40 years, and the first in 22!! I have been a super fan of his pieces for years now, and my (tiny) collection is one of my most prized possessions. I am seriously so pumped. 

Sunday we have family dinner at my in-law's house, which is ALWAYS eventful because of the company. Not in a bad way or anything - just sometimes exhausting. I believe I've mentioned before that not only do my mother and father-in-law live there, but also my sister and brother-in-law, and their three kids - including one adorable set of twin boys.  

I hope everyone has fun weekend plans and gets to enjoy some of this gorgeous fall weather!! 

Happy weekend and I'll check back in soon!! 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Weigh In Eve

I realize now that I never posted my weigh in results from last week - down 0.2 lb for a current total weight loss of 32.7 lbs since February. I'm super frustrated with myself for my lack of self control lately. My momentary lapse in keeping away from Halloween candy at work the other day sent me into a little bit of a tail spin! Oops. 

I hopped on the scale this morning just to see how much damage I did. Not terrible. I was up a little, but that was totally expected, and you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

This week I really need to commit to being 100% on plan. 

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is binge eating - be they large or small it needs to stop. So far, the largest struggle is getting through to Mr. Fox. He just does not believe I have a problem with food, and that just sucks. I feel really alone in my struggles because of it. I've tried to have serious sit down conversations and explain to him that my relationship with food is unhealthy, and though I'm doing my best to stay on top of it, it gets the best of me sometimes. 

He has a friend who is a food addict - he goes to Over-eaters Anonymous and is doing a great job overcoming his addiction. He's honestly an inspiration. I truly do not feel that I am a food addict, but I do believe I have a true problem with binge eating. 

Because of this, Mr. Fox refuses to believe that I have legitimately disordered eating habits. He ignores my outpouring of my thoughts and feelings, and if anything I feel that he encourages me to overeat. I have asked him not to eat certain things in front of me. I have asked him not to have snacks in front of me once I have decided I am done eating for the night. We have fought about it, and I have given up and given in. It makes me really sad, and it makes me feel like I don't have a support system in my husband. 

I'm seriously considering contacting a psychologist I found online who specializes in Binge Eating Disorder and other disordered eating. 


Now I definitely did not mean this to be such a downer post so I'll wrap that part up, and leave you with a picture of my kitty pretending he's comfortable sleeping in a spot that is too small for him. 

Happy almost Friday! I'll post tomorrow with my weigh in results! 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Halloween Weekend Update

Is it seriously November?! How is it November?? Am I the only one who thinks this year needs to slow down a little?? Probably not. I suppose complaining won't actually help haha. 

How was everyone's Halloween weekend? Mine was BUSY!! I have had the most jam packed weekends ever since Mr. Fox and I both started our "normal" Monday thru Friday first shift hours. I actually can't wait to have a do nothing weekend at home. Which doesn't look like I'm going to get for a while! 

Can you spot the kitty?! Disregard my mess!! 
Friday I had planned to do nothing, but the night before we found a flea on Chloe. UGH!! It was the strangest thing though - there was one, single, solitary flea. Yes, I am fully aware that for every flea there are so many eggs, larvae, etc.. but I still think it's strange to see just one. So with that, my lazy Friday night turned into spa night for Chloe. Full bath, brushing, and blow drying. Followed immediately by hours of cleaning the rest of the apartment. Vacuuming EVERYTHING, changing sheets, getting laundry together.. unfortunately our walk in closet became the room I put everything without a place in, so now I have to clean that too. 

In related news: Ashton scared the bejeezus out of me hiding in the jam packed closet! I guess he found a new cozy spot. Too bad it will be cleaned out this week, buddy. 

Mr. Fox had karaoke so he worked super late, although I had just about crawled into bed when he came in! 

Saturday we got up and ran a bunch of errands - paid rent, exchanged some sweaters, shopping. Fun stuff, really. We decided to swing by my dad's house because he is ALWAYS home. Go figure, he wasn't!! I called and he said he would be back in about a half hour - he was running errands too (our family had ALL the fun) so if we wanted to wait we could. We aaaalmost didn't, but then I decided - since we had Chloe anyway - we should take a walk in the big sand pit behind my dad's house. It was awesome to get in some unexpected exercise, and it motivated me to keep it up through the week. Now let's see how that goes. 

Grateful Dead in a Patriots glass (I'm a Cowboys fan) 
After that we had just enough time to have some sandwiches and watch Beetlejuice (Halloween favorite, of course) before heading to the in-laws. We spent some time with the kids before trick-or-treating, and some time with the grown ups while the kids were out. It was SO nice to see Mike's parents in good moods!! Things have been a little tense ever since my sister in law, her husband, and their three kids moved in. 

My Wifey and her beau in 2nd place! 
As if Saturday wasn't exciting enough, we had a Halloween party to host/attend/work. The bar down the street where Mr. Fox does karaoke wasn't doing anything special for Halloween so hubby, a friend, and I decided to plan the party. I was EXHAUSTED and did not want to go, but I ended up having so much fun! The bartender had a bunch of spooky drink specials, we had great lights, good music and people. The costume contest was hilarious. Our friend Don as Elton John took the grand prize, my neighbor/Wifey Megan took 2nd, and then there was third place.. which is a hilarious story: 

Zombie Brain Hemorrhage Shots
His name was Matt. He was dressed as a scarecrow, a really awesome scarecrow to be honest. He went up before the contest to sing a song and did an amazing job. I knew I recognized him but could not place where from. Then BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was my GYNECOLOGIST!! Ha!! Not awkward. Not at all. OK it was awkward. Hysterically awkward!! 

Karaoke addict in my recycled 80's gear!
Another super late night, wrapped up with post-bar visit to a friends house for pizza and some laughs before heading home to bed. 

Sunday I was determined to sleep in! I made it until 9:30. Which considering I usually get up at 6:30 is super sleeping in!! Mike and I finally got a tiny taste of laziness for a couple hours before heading out. We got takeout diner breakfast and watched Heroes on Netflix. Then headed to my mom's for dinner for my dad's 64th birthday. She made the yummiest rib roast and apple pie!! We watched the Cowboys lose again football and laughed. I got to see my brother, who seems to be doing really well - we were all a little worried how Doug's passing would affect him. 

After mama's we went home and immediately to bed! All in all it was a great weekend. As much as I LOVE a lazy weekend now and then, I love to be super busy too. It makes the weekend feel so much longer!! 

Sorry for the extreme length today haha!! I hope everyone had an awesome weekend and has a great first week in November!!


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Weigh In Eve

Happy Friday Eve!! 

Also known as Thursday. Also known as Weigh In Eve. 

I have been trying not to weigh myself every day because I was starting to obsess a little. I think I may start again because this morning I saw a number that terrified me. I swore I was out of the 260's for good and the scale showed me a glimpse of that at 260 point something - I was too freaked out to remember what the decimal was.. UGH!!

Now I have been on plan for almost four days now. So I know this will pass (hopefully by tomorrow's weigh in!!) 

These are the things that tend to send me into a tail spin of depression, but I'm not allowing that this time. I'm making it motivate me. I'm turning my stress into determination. 

We'll see how that all goes! 

This week, thankfully, is still going by quickly. I can't wait to snuggle up with my Kindle tomorrow night and read myself to sleep; AND to not have to wake up to an alarm on Saturday. The funny thing about that is I usually end up waking up around the same time I do for work, but there is something special about waking up naturally. 

I have been thinking about Doug a lot this week. It's strange how after a funeral service people stop talking about someone so quickly. For me, this is when I usually think about the person often. The initial shock and pain have dulled, and I can think about them without crying. Doug's brother posted some really interesting words on Facebook the other night - I refer to them as interesting only because I get a different feel from the post every time I read it. It was essentially a thank you to the people who came to the service, a note about what a great job the pastor did, and a mention that he is sure he'll be able to one day think about his brother and smile, laugh.. but today is not that day. 

For some reason it was almost comforting to know that people - in this case family, but still - are still hurting. I know that sounds sick. But I honestly don't mean it that way. I am just so used to being the "rock" for my family, and not having a chance to do my grieving until I've been the crying shoulder for them, that I always end up feeling like I'm alone in my grief. 

But I'm not alone at all. So many people are still sad. Still mad. Still sorting their feelings out. 

Sorry to put a damper on my Friday Eve post! 

I have to leave you with this: 


Mr. Fox and I grabbed grinders for a quick dinner and I thought the way the woman at the deli labeled them was just adorable! 

I'll be back tomorrow for Weigh In Day!! Fingers crossed that 260+ is gone forever!!!! 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Day Three.

Happy Wednesday!! I couldn't be happier with how quickly this week is going. I needed this week to be quick. So yay for that!!

Nothing exciting so far, which after last week is welcomed.

I gave blood today. Also not super exciting, but I love feeling like I'm doing my part. And it's the only time I get to have my favorite pretzels. It's become a running joke now that I send Mike a picture of me smiling with one of my pretzels every time I'm finished.

Could I BE any more stereotypical fat girl?! Ha!

Today is day three of switching back to Weight Watchers PointsPlus as opposed to calorie counting. I have NO idea why this works so much better for me. Maybe the smaller numbers? Maybe the fact that it feels a little like a game? Who knows. All that matters is it works.

I have been insanely hungry lately - like I literally cannot fill myself up. The PointsPlus system does make it a little easier in that aspect because of "free" foods. Most fruits and veggies being ZERO Points is super helpful for filling up when I'm feeling ravenous.

Another thing that I think is going to make this plan easier for someone like me during this time of year, is recipes from this website! Adorably named "Emily Bites," the blogger, Emily, makes comfort food Weight Watchers friendly! The hardest season of weight loss for me BY FAR is winter - late fall and early spring are so similar they fall in at a close second. It's dark. I get sleepy. I get lazy. And I get HUNGRY!

My typical cycle when I'm not trying to lose weight is to gain about 10-15 lbs in this time period. It naturally comes off in the late spring/summer/early fall when I'm more active and not so tired and bottomless-pit-like, but I am SO done with that yearly yo-yo mess. I am sticking to my guns this time around and hoping that these deliciously lightened up recipes will help.

I have made a handful of these recipes recently and they are to die for! her "Bubble Up" casseroles are phenomenal and EASY, the hardest part is sharing with my husband. We've tried the chicken pot pie and enchilada versions, though Mr. Fox is most looking forward to trying the pizza one! Another favorite is her Cheesy Chicken, Broccoli and Rice casserole. And the cream of the crop so far: Pumpkin Alfredo Tortellini Skillet. O. M. G!! I swapped the pumpkin for butternut squash, and the spinach for baby kale. Hubby said it's one of the best things he's ever eaten. SO yum.

Anyway ~ enough about food for now. I'll for sure be updating on how I do with my weekly weigh ins and unstoppable hunger!


Monday, October 26, 2015

Monday, monday..

HOW is it Monday already?! I really needed just ONE more weekend day to collect myself. Luckily today is an easy work day.

The past 6 days have been an absolute blur. I have so much to empty out of my head, so I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy!

Tuesday Mr. Fox and I went to a first time home buyers class to find out the first steps of looking for a home. That was supposed to be our only busy day. The class was excellent and I would HIGHLY recommend if anyone is looking to get more information, find a free class. We learned SO much about what we need to do in the next 6 months or so.

When we got home from the class we relaxed for a bit, then we heard the news about Doug. I subsequently had to call and notify my family. Doug was just as much a part of our family as he was a friend, so that was rough. This whole week was overturned with that news. I haven't really had a much of a chance to relax since then.

I had been planning a surprise party for my best friend for her 30th birthday. I had it all worked out. Wednesday I would make cupcakes, Thursday I would frost the cupcakes, and go to Party City and get decorations, Friday afternoon I would order the food to be ready for the guests, then I would have plenty of time to decorate the room for the party. Then we would have the perfect party and be able to sleep in on Saturday! Big dreams. No such luck in them going that easily!!

I spent most of Wednesday crying, and my family spent most of Wednesday consoling each other. Losing Doug hit so close to home. I still managed to get to the store for all the cupcake ingredients, but I was just not up to actually making them.

I also had to touch base with the party guests to make sure there would still be a good turn out. I had NO idea how stressful planning a surprise party is!! What if nobody comes was my worst fear all week. I came SO close to pulling the plug on it. But I'm SO glad I didn't! More on that later..

Thursday my dad needed me. Doug had become a second son to him. He and my brother are both struggling, recovering addicts who always wanted to see each other succeed, and this is the closest thing to losing my brother. My dad essentially lost a son. So I spent quite some time with him, which was nice as always, but I still had so much to do. I got home around 6:30 pm and got to making the cupcakes. I LOVE baking but my heart and mind were somewhere else. Luckily they still came out amazing!! Hubby and I ended up eating dinner super late and having yet another very late to bed night.

Totally 80's!! 
Friday was here before I got a chance to realize it wasn't Tuesday anymore. I managed to squeak out of work an hour early (thank God because I would NOT have been able to pull everything off otherwise) and start on my errands. I met a friend of Emily's (my bff I was throwing the party for) who couldn't make it to the party to pick up a gift, went immediately to party city to get a million dollars worth of 80's themed decorations and costume gear, had to go home and make frosting, frosted the cupcakes, showered, got 80's dolled up, made it to the restaurant, realized OMG we hadn't ordered food yet!! Got that done.. STILL have not taken a second to really relax at this point..

Note: re: the 80's thing: Emily let spill one day that in her "wildest dreams" she would "obviously love to have a huge 80's party" so I RAN with that!! I ran so far awa-a-ay.. ha.. see what I did there? Ok anyway..

My beautiful best friend, Emily!! 
I started stressing people were still not coming but then people started to show up. Big sigh of relief. Even my mom and brother came with all they had going on. Mr. Fox and my sister in law (who also got decked out in 80's gear) got an awesome 80's playlist ready to go. When Emily got there she was SO surprised!! I was so proud!! The party was amazing and she was so grateful. We really got her! It's *really* hard to pull something like that off with her!! She is the person who people tell everything! I almost spoiled it myself a couple times!! I was SO glad I didn't pull the plug.

Even though that was a LATE night I was OK with it. I got home and showered because I knew I had to be up early. When I got out of the shower I noticed my dog was hiding behind the rocking chair, which she NEVER does. I realized she didn't make a big deal of me coming home but I thought she was just mad that we had been so busy, and not around enough through the week. Then I noticed her front paws were wet and odd colored, like brownish pink. I immediately looked for vomit or something and found nothing. Anywhere. I noticed she was acting weird and not vocal like she usually is and immediately called my husband. He came right home and we rushed her to the emergency vet. I was a MESS!!

When we walked in they said they needed to get her in the back before we even filled out paperwork because it looked like her jaw might be broken - WHAT?! Thank GOD that was not it. She had the screw-on ring to one of my frosting piping bag lodged so far up in the back of her mouth that she couldn't close it, and that brownish pink stuff was blood and drool from her trying to dislodge it. Needless to say I felt like the worst doggie mama EVER!! I made sure to pick up all the frosting stuff I could find but she must have gotten it before I did the sweep, so who knows how long she was scared and in pain for. They had to sedate her to take it out because it was so far back and she was scared and biting (even my husband!). She is completely fine now, thank goodness, but that whole adventure left us going to bed around 5 am.

This is Doug, and the face I will always remember when I think of him. 
We got about 4 hours of broken sleep before we had to get up for Doug's funeral. It was a beautiful service that captured him flawlessly. My mom and brother read an amazingly beautiful reading that they wrote. It was one of the hardest days for us all. I cannot even begin to imagine what his family is going through. Saying goodbye was tough. But the pastor did an amazing job reminding us how we will know when he is with us. And we will. Doug was such a unique man there is no doubt in my mind I will know when he is near.

Mr. Fox and I opted out of the luncheon after in favor of a nap before heading out to yet another evening with friends. We, again, almost cancelled but were happy we didn't. We hadn't seen these friends in weeks - since before they asked Mike to be not only in their wedding but to perform the service! He became ordained over the summer to marry other friends and since had become everyone's go-to for that, which is such a special way to be a part of the ceremony!! It was a super fun relaxing night. We had a couple drinks, had Taco Bell, and watched a cheesy B horror flick - Fright Night. It was ANOTHER late night but worth it.

Sunday was family dinner day. We picked up Chloe, who stayed the night at my mom's so she wouldn't feel rejected with us being out and leaving her Saturday night. The day was filled with comfort food. Much needed for the soul - not so much for the scale haha.

Today I am super back on track but SO exhausted from the past 6 days. I see an early bedtime tonight!!

Phew!! I had SO much to get out!! I could seriously go on and on for hours but I will leave it at that and post more this week.

Happy Monday!! Sending all my positive energy out in the world to all who need it.






Thursday, October 22, 2015

Doug.

The world lost a quietly amazing person on Tuesday. 

Please note: This is not a typical post for this blog. It is, however, heartfelt and in need of being shared. 

I can barely begin to put into words how I feel about this, but I'm going to try. 

My friend, Doug. My dad's "worker son," Doug. My brothers best friend, Doug. My family's other worry, Doug. One of my dog's favorite people, Doug. Always hungry, Doug. Kind hearted, Doug. Quietly grateful, Doug. 

Addict, Doug. 

He may as well have been part of the family. To some he came off crude or sarcastic, but those of us who were close to him know that was a front. He certainly had an opinion about everything, but he wasn't always wrong. A modern "telephone tough guy," he was quick to reply to someone's Facebook status with a snarky comment, but in real, face-to-face life, he was always kind. He had an enormously good heart that showed through even his darkest days. He would drop everything and work through the night to help a friend in need, or even a friend who just wanted his help. He was incredibly grateful for every act of kindness shown to him. He had a warm smile that just made you feel good to be the one to bring it out, no matter the reason. 

My heart sank when I heard Doug was no longer with us. It's cliche but it's still so surreal knowing we'll never see him again. Never help him again. Never make him smile again. Never see another snarky Facebook comment again. 

I know one should never assume, but I do, that most people knew Doug had a devil living inside of him. A devil that had a hold on, and claimed, his life and the lives of too many. A devil that has caused my attendance at more funerals for young people than anyone should have to attend. A devil I hate with every cell in my body, and pray every second of every day would finally let go of the lives of my brother and so many friends before it claims them too. 

If you have never loved a heroin addict I hope you never have to. It is the single most heartbreaking experience I have ever lived through, and unfortunately it isn't going to stop. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The devil that is heroin won't allow it to stop. Not until it has claimed the lives of every single addict it lives inside. But the devil has competition. Because I refuse to stop fighting for the lives of the addicts I love. 

Saturday we say goodbye, officially. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, people  commit random acts of kindness. I cannot think of a better way to carry on Doug's legacy in the true spirit of who he was. 

Disclaimer: due to the family waiting on toxicology and autopsy reports, I do not officially know it was heroin that claimed Doug's life. I do know the police are treating his home as a crime scene, and I hope to God they catch the disgusting person who gave him the drug he wanted so badly he felt he literally needed it. I will update this when I have heard the official results. 


Monday, October 19, 2015

Caloric Nightmare.

Happy Monday!! 

I really meant to get a post in over the weekend but Mr. Fox and I have been so busy lately!! We were SO excited when we both landed Monday thru Friday, first shift jobs and now our weekends are so jam packed we barely have a minute to breathe. 

We DID do absolutely nothing on Sunday because of this. And it was glorious. 

First off lets get my Friday WI out of the way: 
Down 0.4 lbs from last week, bringing me to 254.6 with a total loss of 35.9 since 02/06/2015. 

A loss is a loss and I'll take it! 

Then again, after this weekend, I don't have the highest hopes for this coming Friday.

Friday I came home to two amazing surprises: 

(1) Roses from my hubby ~ normally I am NOT a rose kind of girl but these were stunning, really. Foxy said his sister approved which is perfect. We have practically identical taste in everything. Except food. She doesn't to seafood. Shame. Oh well, more for me! 

*and*

(2) A *sparkling* CLEAN apartment! I would be OK with never ever getting flowers ever again if I got to come home to cleanliness on a daily basis. 

It was so awesome.

We unfortunately didn't get to bask in it for too long as we had dinner plans with friends. I was all set for a super on track weekend. Sushi takeout is what we all settled on which is ALWAYS fine by me! I even had my drinks accounted for. Then my now arch nemesis amazingly awesome BFF Jen brought out dessert. As if I couldn't love her any more. I had one tiny two regular sized pieces. It was super fun to catch up regardless of calories, and I slept like a baby that night! 

Saturday we had plans with my neighbor/Wifey and her boyfriend who just moved up from SC. We settled on doing something "fall" like and what better than a fair/food truck festival?! OMG WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Anyway ~ considering it was a freaking FOOD TRUCK FESTIVAL I did pretty darn well. Our plan of attach was to split things so we could have a little bit of everything we wanted.  

The damage: Bacon Cheeseburger Chompers, Giant Fried Potato Ball filled with Bacon and Cheese, Mac Attack (homemade mac and cheese topped with BBQ sauce and brisket), churros with Nutella, Mexican Hot Chocolate, and a mediocre cupcake. 

It FELT like a whole lot more than that. 

Trying to estimate the calories for that was not exactly a fun evening activity hahaha!! 

Sunday we were lazy. I lounged around in my jammies and read and snuggled with the fur babies while Mr. Fox played some classic Mario on the WII. 

I think all the food caught up with me because I slept terribly last night. Lots of strange, vivid dreams, and so very restless! Hubby seemed to as well. It's our own fault. We ate too much. UGH. 

Overall I call it a successful weekend because I logged EVERYTHING. 

This week I'm planning to commit to at least a couple 20 minute sessions on my mini twist stepper to offset some of the caloric nightmare that was my weekend. 

Putting all my good week vibes out into the world!!