Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Thanksgiving Eve Eve.

Happy Tuesday, all. 

I feel like I should have stayed in bed today! 

On a positive note, all my Thanksgiving shopping is done so no more grocery store trips for me! 

Yesterday I was so in control of my eating up until I got home. Mr. Fox brought home some venison steaks from his parents so I planned to cook those with some brussels sprouts and risotto. I don't know what I was thinking, really. Grocery shopping put me behind so I didn't even get home until about 6pm. Then I had to put everything away in groups so when I cook tonight and tomorrow there is some sort of organized chaos. 

Then my mom called. She is having a literal nervous breakdown right now and I don't know what to do to help her. She's been bullied and harassed at work and cannot go to HR because they aren't helping her. This has happened to the point where she is out of work, in constant contact with doctors, periodically needs people to be with her, and last night she actually went to the hospital for a little bit. 

So between trying to de-clutter, consoling my mother, trying to help my hubby with his insurance paperwork.. I had a little bit of a "thing" - this is what we refer to mini breakdowns as in our family. I decided I not only didn't want to get started with cooking for Thursday, but I didn't want to make dinner, and I was so stressed I was just not even hungry. And of course hubby did not know what to do, as per usual. I literally told him what to do. In his favor he listened. 

We ended up getting pizza and salad. Which actually wouldn't have been so bad except on his way out the door my binge goblin told him to ask if they had cheesecake. The did. Of course they did. I ate half the pizza, a bowl of salad and a giant piece of cheesecake. This all put me even MORE into the red (with my PointsPlus) than I already was. 

Needless to say I went to bed feeling fat and sad. 

This morning I felt a little better. I got a decent night of sleep so I'm sure that helped. I hopped on the scale to see how badly I was killing myself. Up about a pound from Friday - actually not terrible. But also not good. I put a smile on my face (along with my work clothes and a coat) and headed in to work. 

Of ALL the mornings I drive the SAME route to work, this morning I got pulled over - by the most argumentative cop ever! I have nothing but respect for our military and law enforcement but this guy was just trying to pick a fight. The conversation went something like this: 

“Did you see those flashing lights back there?”
“The one’s for the school zone?”
“I did, I was in the process of slowing down for them.”
“No, you weren’t.”
“I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful, I just meant my foot was on the brake pedal.”
“Well you’re calling me a liar.”
“I would absolutely never do that, my father is in law enforcement. I’m doing nothing but trying to cooperate with you.”
“You’re about to talk yourself into a ticket.”
“Sounds like SOMEONE isn’t getting enough lovin’ at home!!”

OK I didn’t say that last one. But I thought it. 

I got away with a written warning - but only because I "didn't have any recent tickets." 

Then I got to work and the parking lot was full of insane people. I found a spot and went to pull in and the woman in one of the adjacent spots threw open her door. OK no problem. This happened in two more spots. I found one that had nobody in either adjacent spot - just a woman getting things out of her hatch back. I went to pull into the spot and I kid you not she literally walked from behind her vehicle to IN the spot I was pulling in to. 

It took a lot for me to not just turn around and go home. 

My day has since gotten better. I'm hopeful that it will stay on the even ground it seems to be on now. I plan to make the dinner I had planned for yesterday, and to start some cooking for Thanksgiving. I'll be sure to update how that goes. 

For now: breathe in, breathe out, repeat.  

Monday, November 23, 2015

Monday, Monday.

Oreo Lava Cake at Chili's
How was everyone's weekend? Mine was full, fun, and relaxing.

Friday night I went out to dinner with a friend. Chili's was probably not the best choice considering I'm trying to stay on track. I had planned out what I was going to eat, but that went almost completely out the window. UGH!! Why do I do this to myself?!

Chili's has a new deal. Their 2 for $20 is still available (and would have been a MUCH better choice) where you get two entrees and an app, but now they have a 2 for $35 where you get two entrees, an app, a dessert, AND two presidente margaritas!! Did I need half a dessert OR a margarita?! Like a freaking hole in the head. So of course we went with that.

In hind sight the dessert was mediocre and I could have done without the drink. And the app to be honest but I like munching on their chips.

Ashton is the actual cat's pajamas!! 
After Chili's we went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I could seriously spend ALL day in that store. I bought a new Wood Wick candle, and some pajamas and socks to torture dress up my cat. He is hilarious when he has animal clothing on. If you've ever seen It's Always Sunny's Kitten Mittens episode - that's exactly how he was walking. It was amazing! I was hoping I would be able to use them for my dog when the fun was over, but she's a little too chunky for the pajamas! She may need to join mommy's diet efforts.

Saturday we went to get my car checked out - of course when I got it to the shop the noise it had been making wasn't happening. Story of my life!! It worked out because I had an appointment to get new tires. My mom had worked out an amazing deal for me but when I got there the size was wrong. I definitely didn't get QUITE the deal I was hoping for but I have four safe, brand new tires that will get me where I need to go without the stress of a blow out.

Saturday night was movie and Boboli date night in for me and Mr. Fox. We watched Mad Max which was AMAZING!! I had been putting it off because I am a huge fan of the original Mad Max movies. I was completely impressed and would HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who is an action fan, comic fan, Mad max fan, or just don't know what to watch!

My Boboli was my FAVORITE combo of caramelized onions with fig balsamic vinegar, brie, blue cheese, and asparagus. Sometimes I add bacon.

So far my plan to stay on plan was a success. I ate more than anticipated on Friday night but whatever. Saturday went about as planned. Then came Sunday.

I was really doing well. I had a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast. I made tex mex stuffed shells at my moms - which were not so great for me but not terrible. Better than if I had let her make them. But I convinced her that because I had been doing well, everything needed to be measured. Then she decided she wanted brownies. SUPER binge trigger food for me. She knows this. I know this. But she is having a literal nervous breakdown right now so I succumbed to her brownie needs.

Binge aftermath. 
I tried. I really tried. But I just couldn't. stop. eating. them.

This triggered additional binge eating once I got home. RIP Nutella Mini Cups, Half Jar of Peanut Butter, and Saltines.

Disappointment and disgust was all I felt after that. BUT I tracked it, took a shower to get away from the food, then planned my next day so I would be on top of it.

I'd like to focus on clean eating for a while. I think it will be good to "detox" my body from processes food and sugar. Maybe reduce cravings. I got some free ebooks about Paleo eating and was considering trying that as well. My meals are always so focused on carbs. We'll see how that goes!

For today, I'm back on the horse, and not SO far in the hole that I can't break even (or even dig myself out a little!) by weigh in on Thursday morning. YES, I'm *totally* cheating and weighing in Thursday instead of Friday because of Thanksgiving.

So with that I wish a Happy Monday to whoever is reading this!!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Learning to Love Myself

Self Love.

This is something I know all too little about. I know how to fake it, and put on a show for everyone to see, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty - I don't believe my own act.

I have been in a little bit of a rut lately; getting down on myself for my efforts slowing, reversing, halting.. Last night things really came to a head. I had purchased a pair of boots from an online store based out of the UK. I was really excited because I have large calves- both genetically and from being overweight - and I've never been able to wear tall boots. The delivery came yesterday and I couldn't wait to try them on!

Well guess what? They didn't freaking fit. I was so upset that I tried and tried and when I was able to get them all zipped up, it just looked like I had tried to shove a water balloon inside a toilet paper tube. I was crushed. I let myself fall into a downward spiral of self hatred; telling myself how disgusting I am, how ugly my fat is, how I don't deserve to lose the weight, that I'm completely unworthy because I have treated myself so horribly for so many years.

Then I realized how terribly I really do treat myself. Not just physically by not eating right or exercising regularly, but mentally and emotionally. I was constantly putting myself down, to the point where I felt selfish if I had a positive thought about myself. I use these terms past tense because they need to be. Nobody should be treating themselves the way I was.

Someone on the Weight Watchers message boards started a thread about positive self image. It made me realize I'm far from the only person who struggles with it. I mean, I *knew* I wasn't the only person, but it's nice to actually see and hear other people's stories. I decided to commit to actively changing my views about myself, and taking care of my body. I will focus on things that I do love about myself, no matter how few those are right now.

In related news, my weigh in this morning went about as expected - up 1.2 lbs. BUT I'm OK with that, because I know what it was caused by. I ate too much on my long weekend and tried to make up for it by not eating well throughout the week. It could have been SO much worse too; I hopped on the scale after my binge weekend and the scale showed up 9 lbs!! OMG!! I know it was mostly water weight but holy moly NINE pounds?!

Glad THAT didn't stick.

This week, as a start, I plan to be more aware of how I treat myself, and to be grateful for the things I have and can do. I think it's a good week to start that.

Happy Friday, everyone!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Weekend Recap!

Woah! I totally had every intention of hopping on over the weekend but that obviously did not happen. I wish I could say I was doing something spectacularly exciting and was completely unable to even get to my computer - but no, I was simply being a lazy bones.

Lets recap!

Thursday actually was pretty exciting - I went to NYC for the first* time!!!!
*first time that wasn't a field trip to the  Statue of Liberty, that is.

My friend, Emily - who I threw the surprise 30th birthday party for - got tickets to The Tonight Show. Her cousin's wife is a makeup artist on the show so we were able to get VIP, which means no waiting in line and we're guaranteed tickets (they over book to make sure the seats are full.)

So the day was a little dreary but it was great to finally get to see the city. The subway system was a breeze compared to what I thought it would be - similar to the T in Boston just more trains to keep track of!! We went to ground zero to see the memorial which is beautiful! We walked down so we could see the Statue of Liberty across the bay. We got lunch at a great burger place for lunch, and other than that pretty much walked around the city until it was time to see the show!

I instantaneously decided that I do NOT like Times Square. I'm glad I went once, but I have absolutely zero intention of going again unless I have to. It's too big, too bright, too loud. There are too many smells. I swear every step there was a different one - pizza.. garbage.. toilet.. popcorn.. burnt hair?! Yeah, not a fan. That and there were entirely too many Minnie Mouses, the characters all kept taking their masks off (poor kids!), and I think Cookie Monster hit on me.

Rockefeller Center was neat to see. The building itself had THE WORST ventilation - I was seriously sweating in there. But the atmosphere was great and the lighting was beautiful. We got to see the Christmas Tree, however it was having the lights put on - which was actually really cool to see!

The show was SO much fun! The studio was MUCH cooler than the rest of the building - and much smaller!! We were told at the beginning they don't "fluff" the show at all - no laugh or clap tracks - so we were essentially to be as enthusiastic as possible. Jimmy was hilarious as always. The guests were Elizabeth Banks, Jon Glaser, and Tim McGraw.

After the show we got to go backstage to see Kimberly's makeup room. We walked by Tim McGraw and his band hanging out by their dressing room, saw Questlove in the hallway, and got to meet Mark Kelley - the bassist for the Roots. 

We went to the East Village after that for dinner at an awesome little Mexican place called Dahlias. I was a much bigger fan of that area than Times Square. I felt like I would be comfortable living there.

Almost 20 hours and over 60,000 steps later, the NYC trip was a success and I will definitely be going back!!

The rest of my weekend was pretty typical - dinner with friends on Friday night. Their son was wearing the most adorable shirt that said "Only Child Membership" with a big faux stamp that said "Expires July 2016" - the CUTEST way to tell us they are expecting!! Which was super exciting!! I love babies. I can't wait to get out of our crappy apartment so we can have babies. *swoon*

Saturday and Sunday we stayed home, slept A LOT, played Fallout 4, and ate hahaha! I ended up with a killer migraine on Sunday evening which was a little bit of a bummer, but overall the weekend was awesome. The perfect mix of busy and relaxing!

This week - oh I can't believe Tuesday is almost over already!

I hope everyone has an awesome week!!

Monday, November 9, 2015

My Saturday In Pictures.

Saturday I had the most incredible opportunity to go to an open studio for my favorite artist, Josh Simpson!! He is an unbelievably talented, world renowned glass artist, and I'm so lucky that he is local to New England. This was his first open studio in 22 years, and it gave his fans the chance to not only browse his pieces, but to purchase older or "imperfect pieces for reduced pricing, AND to watch him work!! How amazing it was to be able to watch my favorite artist actually creating the beautiful glass pieces I have admired for so many years!! 

I took well over 400 photos of the studio and him at work, but I'll just share a handful of my favorites for today. Once I get photos of the pieces I purchased I'll put them up as well. 

Multi solid colored glass vases were arranged in the most beautiful rainbow:  

His planets and other pieces were hidden everywhere! I love how they look in the plants: 

I had the opportunity to meet Josh for the second time - this is a blurry photo but I should have a more clear one on the way to me! My mom calls him the only man who can render me speechless!! 

Josh showing a piece of glass cane the team just got finished making: 

A planet hidden on a rack of blow tubes: 

Josh and his team at work: 

Josh heating glass in the glory hole - I am not even kidding, that is what they call it. I was pretty amused by that, and surprised more people weren't laughing! 

I think this is when they decided this would be a bowl: 

Me and my beautiful mama: 

The view from the hill - Josh's yard: 

I'll definitely have a longer post within the next couple days but I just couldn't wait to share these!! 

Happy Monday!! 

Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday WI and Happy Weekend!!

Happy FRIDAY!! I felt like this day would never come!! 

I'm feeling very motivated and thankful today - even though I was bumming big time yesterday. I hopped on the scale this morning for my weigh in and was pleasantly surprised to see a ONE POUND LOSS!! 

Oh how I was NOT expecting that!! I have never been so happy about a one pound loss, but it was exactly what I needed. 

Last night I worked a little late and barely got a chance to see Mr. Fox before he took off for band practice. Turns out practice was cancelled, but he got to spend some time with close friends anyway. They got dinner at Nardelli's - which I have NEVER been to but have ALWAYS wanted to try. This morning I was left with half of a GIANT grinder which I wanted SO so so badly, but my one pound loss gave me the will power to say thank you, but no thank you. 

So I grabbed some coffee, and a GIANT pumpkin muffin from the batch I made the night before, and headed out to work. 

There's maybe a tiny part of me that really wishes I had that sandwich right now, haha! 

I *will* have one of those grinders one day. 

In other interesting news: I SIGNED UP FOR A 5K!!!! Seriously WHO am I?!?! I have no plans to run, but doing a 5K was always something I said I would do when I got more fit. Just this summer I said it was my goal for next year. But I decided - why wait?? I have two good legs and I can definitely WALK three miles. I've done it a million times. 

And just like that I was signed up. 

Who knew how motivating ONE pound could be?! 

The 5K is the Ugly Sweater Run in Bushnell Park on December 5th - how fun, right?! Our team is the Reindeer Runners and we're all dressing up. We have all 8 reindeer, Santa, some elves.. Mr. Fox and I are going to be Yukon Cornelius and the Bumble!! I can't wait. I already have my Amazon order on the way for some props! 

This weekend is another packed one. Tonight I'm going to my mama's for a sleepover, and we're going to Shelburne Falls, MA to see my FAVORITE artist and I am SO EXCITED!! Josh Simpson is a phenomenal glass artist. Seriously, do yourself a favor and check out his work. This is only the second open studio he has had in 40 years, and the first in 22!! I have been a super fan of his pieces for years now, and my (tiny) collection is one of my most prized possessions. I am seriously so pumped. 

Sunday we have family dinner at my in-law's house, which is ALWAYS eventful because of the company. Not in a bad way or anything - just sometimes exhausting. I believe I've mentioned before that not only do my mother and father-in-law live there, but also my sister and brother-in-law, and their three kids - including one adorable set of twin boys.  

I hope everyone has fun weekend plans and gets to enjoy some of this gorgeous fall weather!! 

Happy weekend and I'll check back in soon!! 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Weigh In Eve

I realize now that I never posted my weigh in results from last week - down 0.2 lb for a current total weight loss of 32.7 lbs since February. I'm super frustrated with myself for my lack of self control lately. My momentary lapse in keeping away from Halloween candy at work the other day sent me into a little bit of a tail spin! Oops. 

I hopped on the scale this morning just to see how much damage I did. Not terrible. I was up a little, but that was totally expected, and you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

This week I really need to commit to being 100% on plan. 

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is binge eating - be they large or small it needs to stop. So far, the largest struggle is getting through to Mr. Fox. He just does not believe I have a problem with food, and that just sucks. I feel really alone in my struggles because of it. I've tried to have serious sit down conversations and explain to him that my relationship with food is unhealthy, and though I'm doing my best to stay on top of it, it gets the best of me sometimes. 

He has a friend who is a food addict - he goes to Over-eaters Anonymous and is doing a great job overcoming his addiction. He's honestly an inspiration. I truly do not feel that I am a food addict, but I do believe I have a true problem with binge eating. 

Because of this, Mr. Fox refuses to believe that I have legitimately disordered eating habits. He ignores my outpouring of my thoughts and feelings, and if anything I feel that he encourages me to overeat. I have asked him not to eat certain things in front of me. I have asked him not to have snacks in front of me once I have decided I am done eating for the night. We have fought about it, and I have given up and given in. It makes me really sad, and it makes me feel like I don't have a support system in my husband. 

I'm seriously considering contacting a psychologist I found online who specializes in Binge Eating Disorder and other disordered eating. 

Now I definitely did not mean this to be such a downer post so I'll wrap that part up, and leave you with a picture of my kitty pretending he's comfortable sleeping in a spot that is too small for him. 

Happy almost Friday! I'll post tomorrow with my weigh in results! 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Halloween Weekend Update

Is it seriously November?! How is it November?? Am I the only one who thinks this year needs to slow down a little?? Probably not. I suppose complaining won't actually help haha. 

How was everyone's Halloween weekend? Mine was BUSY!! I have had the most jam packed weekends ever since Mr. Fox and I both started our "normal" Monday thru Friday first shift hours. I actually can't wait to have a do nothing weekend at home. Which doesn't look like I'm going to get for a while! 

Can you spot the kitty?! Disregard my mess!! 
Friday I had planned to do nothing, but the night before we found a flea on Chloe. UGH!! It was the strangest thing though - there was one, single, solitary flea. Yes, I am fully aware that for every flea there are so many eggs, larvae, etc.. but I still think it's strange to see just one. So with that, my lazy Friday night turned into spa night for Chloe. Full bath, brushing, and blow drying. Followed immediately by hours of cleaning the rest of the apartment. Vacuuming EVERYTHING, changing sheets, getting laundry together.. unfortunately our walk in closet became the room I put everything without a place in, so now I have to clean that too. 

In related news: Ashton scared the bejeezus out of me hiding in the jam packed closet! I guess he found a new cozy spot. Too bad it will be cleaned out this week, buddy. 

Mr. Fox had karaoke so he worked super late, although I had just about crawled into bed when he came in! 

Saturday we got up and ran a bunch of errands - paid rent, exchanged some sweaters, shopping. Fun stuff, really. We decided to swing by my dad's house because he is ALWAYS home. Go figure, he wasn't!! I called and he said he would be back in about a half hour - he was running errands too (our family had ALL the fun) so if we wanted to wait we could. We aaaalmost didn't, but then I decided - since we had Chloe anyway - we should take a walk in the big sand pit behind my dad's house. It was awesome to get in some unexpected exercise, and it motivated me to keep it up through the week. Now let's see how that goes. 

Grateful Dead in a Patriots glass (I'm a Cowboys fan) 
After that we had just enough time to have some sandwiches and watch Beetlejuice (Halloween favorite, of course) before heading to the in-laws. We spent some time with the kids before trick-or-treating, and some time with the grown ups while the kids were out. It was SO nice to see Mike's parents in good moods!! Things have been a little tense ever since my sister in law, her husband, and their three kids moved in. 

My Wifey and her beau in 2nd place! 
As if Saturday wasn't exciting enough, we had a Halloween party to host/attend/work. The bar down the street where Mr. Fox does karaoke wasn't doing anything special for Halloween so hubby, a friend, and I decided to plan the party. I was EXHAUSTED and did not want to go, but I ended up having so much fun! The bartender had a bunch of spooky drink specials, we had great lights, good music and people. The costume contest was hilarious. Our friend Don as Elton John took the grand prize, my neighbor/Wifey Megan took 2nd, and then there was third place.. which is a hilarious story: 

Zombie Brain Hemorrhage Shots
His name was Matt. He was dressed as a scarecrow, a really awesome scarecrow to be honest. He went up before the contest to sing a song and did an amazing job. I knew I recognized him but could not place where from. Then BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was my GYNECOLOGIST!! Ha!! Not awkward. Not at all. OK it was awkward. Hysterically awkward!! 

Karaoke addict in my recycled 80's gear!
Another super late night, wrapped up with post-bar visit to a friends house for pizza and some laughs before heading home to bed. 

Sunday I was determined to sleep in! I made it until 9:30. Which considering I usually get up at 6:30 is super sleeping in!! Mike and I finally got a tiny taste of laziness for a couple hours before heading out. We got takeout diner breakfast and watched Heroes on Netflix. Then headed to my mom's for dinner for my dad's 64th birthday. She made the yummiest rib roast and apple pie!! We watched the Cowboys lose again football and laughed. I got to see my brother, who seems to be doing really well - we were all a little worried how Doug's passing would affect him. 

After mama's we went home and immediately to bed! All in all it was a great weekend. As much as I LOVE a lazy weekend now and then, I love to be super busy too. It makes the weekend feel so much longer!! 

Sorry for the extreme length today haha!! I hope everyone had an awesome weekend and has a great first week in November!!