Friday, November 20, 2015

Learning to Love Myself

Self Love.

This is something I know all too little about. I know how to fake it, and put on a show for everyone to see, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty - I don't believe my own act.

I have been in a little bit of a rut lately; getting down on myself for my efforts slowing, reversing, halting.. Last night things really came to a head. I had purchased a pair of boots from an online store based out of the UK. I was really excited because I have large calves- both genetically and from being overweight - and I've never been able to wear tall boots. The delivery came yesterday and I couldn't wait to try them on!

Well guess what? They didn't freaking fit. I was so upset that I tried and tried and when I was able to get them all zipped up, it just looked like I had tried to shove a water balloon inside a toilet paper tube. I was crushed. I let myself fall into a downward spiral of self hatred; telling myself how disgusting I am, how ugly my fat is, how I don't deserve to lose the weight, that I'm completely unworthy because I have treated myself so horribly for so many years.

Then I realized how terribly I really do treat myself. Not just physically by not eating right or exercising regularly, but mentally and emotionally. I was constantly putting myself down, to the point where I felt selfish if I had a positive thought about myself. I use these terms past tense because they need to be. Nobody should be treating themselves the way I was.

Someone on the Weight Watchers message boards started a thread about positive self image. It made me realize I'm far from the only person who struggles with it. I mean, I *knew* I wasn't the only person, but it's nice to actually see and hear other people's stories. I decided to commit to actively changing my views about myself, and taking care of my body. I will focus on things that I do love about myself, no matter how few those are right now.

In related news, my weigh in this morning went about as expected - up 1.2 lbs. BUT I'm OK with that, because I know what it was caused by. I ate too much on my long weekend and tried to make up for it by not eating well throughout the week. It could have been SO much worse too; I hopped on the scale after my binge weekend and the scale showed up 9 lbs!! OMG!! I know it was mostly water weight but holy moly NINE pounds?!

Glad THAT didn't stick.

This week, as a start, I plan to be more aware of how I treat myself, and to be grateful for the things I have and can do. I think it's a good week to start that.

Happy Friday, everyone!!

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